Authentic Connections: Moving Past Charisma to Genuine Engagement

A few years ago, I had the honor of speaking at a Leadership Conference for a Fortune 100 company. After my presentation, the CEO—an iconic figure in the business world—came backstage to thank me. He told me how much he and his team had enjoyed my talk. Then he said something that completely took me by surprise:

“You know, ever since I left business school and in every position of leadership, I’ve always envied people who can speak effortlessly in front of an audience. I tried. I took coaching and practiced endlessly, but I’ve never felt at ease speaking off the cuff like you did today. Stages make me nervous, even now, after countless attempts. I rely on a teleprompter or meticulously prepared notes from my communications team to get through a presentation.”

At first, I thought he was being self-deprecating, exaggerating our differences in order to be gracious. This was a man revered in the business world, the public face of one of the most influential companies globally. Public speaking seemed like a natural requirement for such a high-profile role.

But I was wrong. Public speaking was a significant challenge for him. He wasn’t in front of crowds nearly as much as I had imagined. He avoided them whenever possible, often delegating presentations to others. He confided in me that it took him years to accept this limitation, but once he embraced it, his life changed. He realized his ability to lead and inspire wasn’t dependent on delivering charismatic speeches. His place was in the trenches with his people. He was more comfortable working alongside them than standing in front of them.

He wanted to be comfortable in front of crowds but never was, so he stopped stressing over it, stopped wishing things were different, and accepted that his strengths lay elsewhere. He was a listener, a collaborator, a team-builder. His inspiration came from what he did, not what he said or the way he said it.

After our conversation, he invited me to join his team at a reception that evening. I declined, explaining that while he thrived in small group interactions but felt uneasy on stage, I was the exact opposite. “I’m an introvert living an extrovert’s life,” I told him. “Standing alone on a stage in front of hundreds or thousands feels natural to me, but making small talk at a cocktail party is where I struggle.”

Over the past few weeks, I’ve reflected on this story while listening to people equate leadership with speaking skills and styles. There has been so much focus on how certain leaders perform in brief, high-stakes public settings, like debates or interviews. However, judging someone’s effectiveness based solely on their performance in these moments overlooks the broader and often more impactful ways they might lead.

Some leaders excel at communicating with their teams, listening intently, supporting their colleagues, building consensus, and fostering deep interpersonal relationships. Others might shine on a stage, on a podcast, or in other public forums, using charisma and eloquence to sway public opinion.

It’s unfair and shortsighted to give more weight to the latter while dismissing the former. True leadership and effective communication come in many forms. Accomplishments built through steady, thoughtful engagement and collaboration are just as valuable, if not more so, than those highlighted by a fleeting moment in the spotlight. I may be engaging on a stage, but I am painfully dull one-on-one. My CEO client needs a script when handed a microphone but speaks effortlessly in private.

There isn’t a right or wrong way to lead and inspire, only an effective one.