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A Subtle Difference

2012-04-02T18:35:44Z

I’m not really a “Be Different” kind of a guy. I know it’s the popular thing these days with many experts claiming it to be the only path to success in this highly competitive, and deeply recessed global economy. “You need to be unique, special, one-of-a-kind,” they say.

I don’t really agree.

While having an exceptional set of skills will certainly take you far, you have no chance compared to those who know how to build great relationships. And relationships are formed from the similarities that connect us rather than the differences that make us unique.

Evolution has wired our brain to notice differences, but not as a positive experience. We have a built-in warning signal that tells us to be careful and cautious whenever something unexpected appears or occurs. We become suspicious and often fearful when things and people don’t seem familiar to us. It can be seen in the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman case in Florida. It explains why Mitt Romney is having trouble connecting with voters. It is why so many marriages end with the utterance, “you’ve changed.” Differences can capture our attention, but they also put us on guard and make us feel uncomfortable.

That’s not to say that “different” doesn’t create some opportunities. It does. Especially when it comes to getting noticed during that initial attraction stage of a relationship. It’s just a matter of degree. Doing different will serve you much better than being different. Here is a simple example:

Whenever I speak at a conference, I will always bring home some business cards that people hand to me when we meet. I don’t end up with as many as if I actually attended the conference, but enough to notice a pattern. They all look alike.

Yes, there are some slight differences - different colors, different fonts, use of the front and back of the card. But for the most part, they are all the same. I can’t help but wonder why. Don’t get me wrong, I love things that are designed simply and beautifully and am not really a fan of anything “zany” or “outlandish.” Certainly not a business card. But I am surprised when tradition and convention (and perhaps taking the easy route) takes precedent over the opportunity to stand out a bit.

Several years ago, I received a business card from the curator of a London Museum. It was standard white with a classic Times Roman font printed on one side only. Nothing remarkable. What made this card special, however, was it’s size and weight. It was slightly larger and thicker than any card I had ever received. I took it and included it in the stash of other business cards I received that day. What I found was that I could never tuck it away into my nice clean stack. While all the other cards blended perfectly together, this one always stood out. Not enough to be annoying, but just enough to cause me notice it. Over and over again.

I ran into the curator at breakfast the next morning and told him how much I liked his card and how difficult it was to bury amongst the others. We ended up talking for quite awhile and discovered that we both were Irish, loved baseball, had fathers who were doctors, and had just finished reading Dan Ariely’s book “Predictably Irrational.” The difference of his card introduced us, the similarities of our lives made us friends.

Don't confuse doing different with being different. One will get you noticed, the other will get you feared.

Time and Money

2011-11-22T15:10:34Z

My friend Dean is the best salesman I’ve ever known. He could sell anything and, in fact, pretty much has. Cars, Insurance, Software, Pharmaceuticals, Real Estate, you name it and Dean has sold it. I once asked him the secret to his success and he said, “That’s simple. Time. You can sell anything to anyone if you just convince them to give you their time.”

Dean knows what he’s talking about.

Of all the things we have, time is our most precious commodity. You want proof? Put a price tag on the next year of your life. How much would you sell it for? How much would you take to give up a year’s worth of living, knowing everything you would miss, including the lives of your family and friends? I’m going to guess it would take a LOT of money. More than you would earn in that same year, and more than all of your current assets combined. Time is what we value most.

It’s an important lesson to learn. We all spend a great deal of energy looking for new ways to extract money from people - from our clients, our customers, our investors, our donors, our alumni, our members, our department heads...you name it - but very little convincing them to give us their time. That’s because it’s a harder sell. It’s easier for me to write you a small check than to give you some of my valuable and limited time. But, as Dean would say, time is where the real money is. When you, or your product, or your service, or your cause is worth more to me than just my money, when it is worth my time, that’s when you’ve really sold me.

Advertising, sales calls, and fundraising campaigns will get you money. Building relationships will get you time.

What Are They Afraid Of?

2011-11-17T15:34:13Z

I wasn’t going to write about the recent events at Penn State University (http://nyti.ms/psuscandal and http://nyti.ms/psuriots). I felt that people who are much smarter and more articulate than I am were saying and writing everything that needed to be written and said. Even if I didn’t always agree with them.

But on Monday, I changed my mind. I know that those of you who come here to read this blog have no interest in hearing my opinion about politics, sex abuse scandals, or the firing of a football coach. You come here for some insights into how to build and maintain loyal relationships and the science that shapes our human behaviors. The truth is, however, this story - as it has unfolded - exposes one of the darkest sides of our human nature. Our tendency to stand idly by and do nothing.

The facts of the Penn State case will eventually tell us who did what and when, as well as who did not. But isn’t it ironic that a debate questioning why people would not get involved to stop criminal behavior would result in thousands of students taking to the streets to watch a few of their peers shatter car windows, flip over news vans, tear down lamp posts, and throw rocks at police? In other words, not get involved to stop criminal behavior. Even though the vandals were heavily outnumbered, the potential peacekeepers stood idly by and did nothing.

It’s hard to watch, but certainly not unusual, because we see it every day. It happens on public streets and playgrounds, as often as it does in schools and churches and the office buildings where we work Maybe without the salaciousness of a sex abuse scandal at a prominent American University involving the winningest college football coach of all-time, but make no mistake that turning a blind eye is in our blood. Or I should say, in our brain. It is our nature to avoid confrontation and not get involved.

How many of you work with a “problem” employee who no one wants to deal with? They are a cancer to the organization polluting everything they touch with their complaining, their excuses, their attitude, and their work ethic. And yet, they remain. Often moved around like furniture nobody wants.

How many of you have an incompetent boss, an unethical supervisor, or a terrible manager who you have learned to “work around” just because it’s easier that way?

How many of you have a client, a customer, a member, or a donor who costs more than they are worth and are impossible to please, yet are never evaluated or possibly “fired?”

And how often are you that person who turns away from what is wrong, believing it is someone else’s problem to deal with or hoping it (or they) will just go away?

Don’t feel bad or guilty about your answer because you aren’t alone. Courage and fearlessness have not fared too well in the evolutionary process, especially in humans. And for good reason. It’s always been a very dangerous world out there, particularly for a species without a whole lot of defense mechanisms. Not having fangs, claws, strength, speed, or a durable, protective skin, has left humans especially vulnerable to threats. So being courageous and fearless is something we learned to avoid.

Having brave genes did not serve our ancestors well. By constantly exposing themselves to dangerous situations, the brave died off quickly and became fewer in number. The cowards, on the other hand - our ancestors who were best able to run away and hide from danger - now they had a lot of success. They survived. And mated with the other cowards who were also exceptional at running and hiding and before we knew it, we had an entire planet filled with those who understood that success is more likely when you lay low or turn away instead of standing up to fight.

So here’s the point of all this. We are wired to be cowards, not heros. Certainly nothing to brag about, but it's true. Our fears are what motivate us above all else. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing our job. Fear of damaging our reputation (or the reputation of our organization). Fear of being held responsible, of being ostracized, of not being liked, of being alone. The list is endless. But what's important to understand is that while our fears and our resistance to risk has served us pretty well as as individuals, they get in the way when trying to build successful “communities.” They inhibit people from working together, sharing ideas, sharing responsibilities, and supporting one another because to our brain, those activities can be risky and potentially dangerous. People are so concerned with protecting themselves, that they are willing to allow their communities to fail.

The challenge for all of you looking to build strong and healthy "communities" - whether it's a business, a nonprofit, a professional association, or your own internal team - is understanding your people's fears and then creating environments where they feel supported and not so vulnerable. A culture that is safe for them to share their ideas, to try something new, to be constructively critical of anyone and anything, to be honest and forthright, to point out what they think is wrong, and to stand up for what they believe is right. All without fear of retribution, embarrassment, or isolation.

Doing that requires you to look at your procedures and your operations and all the ways you communicate, and systematically remove every opportunity for fear to exist. To make yourself more vulnerable, so that your people are not. Penn State failed in that regard, but you don't have to.

The loyalty to Steve Jobs

2011-10-24T16:36:44Z

On Friday, I received two emails - one from a reporter, the other from a friend - both asking the same question: “How could Steve Jobs create such a loyal following while being such an asshole most of his life?” They weren’t referring to the loyalty to Apple, to its products, or to its culture, but to Steve Jobs, the person. David and Susan, sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but here is my answer:

We have been conditioned to think of loyalty as a virtue. As some sort of selfless act of blind devotion we offer to one another. It’s a romantic idea, but not really the truth. Loyalty is a real human emotion, a selfish emotion, no different than love, or hate, or fear, that evolved in humans as a survival mechanism. A means of giving our brains a rest so that it didn’t have to be suspicious or protective of every relationship around us. When we knew who we could trust and who had our best interests at heart, we could be loyal to that person and let down our guard.

But loyalty evolved for reasons beyond mere trust. As creatures who possess an acute sense of self-awareness, we are constantly seeking fulfillment - physically, emotionally, intellectually, financially...you name it. So we also bind ourselves to those you can provide that fulfillment. Those who help make our lives about something more than survival. It think that is what Steve Jobs offered to his “followers.” A fulfillment that all of his screaming, berating, insulting and castigating couldn’t deter.

Like all of us, Steve Jobs was a flawed human being who spent his life fighting his own demons. But to so many of those who worked with him and for him, he offered an incredible sense of purpose. His vision and passion for “what could be” gave more meaning to the work of those engineers, programers, and designers than his personal wrath could ever take away.

In its own twisted way, SJ’s behavior also created an indelible sense of belonging between him and his co-workers. (At least those who chose to stick with him.) He was an unapologetic idealist who scrutinized everything from the font type used on contracts to the screen backgrounds of his keynote presentations. In a now famous story, Jobs once called the head of mobile applications at Google on a Sunday morning to tell him that he wasn’t happy with the way Google’s logo looked on the iPhone. “The yellow in the second ‘o‘ wasn’t quite the right shade.” That was the purist in Steve Jobs. He demanded perfection and abhorred mediocrity. Especially in his employees.

Imagine what it must have meant to be “chosen” to work for Steve Jobs. A guy who had no problem discarding anything and everything he believed fell short of his own lofty standards and expectations. Peel back the abrasive behavior and obnoxious antics and realize what those actions were saying to his employees every day. “You are here because you are the best there is and the only ones good enough for my perfect world.”

Now who wouldn’t be loyal to a boss who thought that?

You Don't Speak My Language

2011-10-13T18:47:52Z

I was at a Home Depot recently and found myself in the plumbing aisle with a pretty unhappy customer. I went there looking for a 3/4” backflow preventer valve and ended up getting a lecture on “What’s wrong with America.”

What set my fellow shopper off was a package. Actually, several packages. And it wasn’t really the packages that bothered him so much as it was the writing on their fronts and sides. The Spanish writing, or as he would refer to it, “all the goddamn Hispanic words.”

(Hispanic words?)

His frustration...more like rage...was not only directed at the manufacturers who chose to include a non-English language on their packaging. He was angry at the reader. The people these words were meant to help.

I suppose I could end this story here knowing most of you have already formed an opinion about my Home Depot Guy (HDG). Tobacco-stained tee shirt, Skoal ring in the back pocket of his jeans, empty cans of Budweiser in the bed of his pickup, right? Well, not exactly. In fact, not at all. But that doesn’t stop our brain from summoning up a stereotype. Just as it didn’t stop HDG from stereotyping those who want “goddamn Hispanic words” included on packages.

Being prejudice is part of our human nature. That may be unsettling to hear, but it’s true. Today, we consider bias and bigotry and discrimination to be moral issues, moral wrongs, but they didn’t start out that way. They evolved in our brains as a protective mechanism. A means of sorting out the threats in our lives. When someone looked different, acted different, or communicated different than us, it told our brains to be careful and to not let them get too close.

Knowing that we all carry around some biases and prejudices towards others shouldn't surprise anyone. At least not if you are being honest. What is interesting, however, is the way our brains appear to “stack rank” our biases and formulate our bigotry. Our public discourse of the past 100+ years would lead us to believe that race would be at the top of our prejudicial tendencies. When, if fact, a number of studies have shown that it is language that triggers our greatest fears.

Language
Income
Race/Ethnicity
Sexual Orientation
Disability
Social Status
Social and Spiritual Affiliation (politics, religion, membership, etc)
Gender

Considering the history of racial, sexual and gender discrimiation, it may be hard to believe that our brain is more prejudicial of someone who speaks a different language. But if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Consider our ancient ancestors living in their tribes and communities hundreds and thousands of years ago.The most reliable information they had to distinguish their friends from their potential enemies was a common language and a familiar means of communicating. You could have a different skin color, be a different genger, or be inflicted with a disability and still be part of my clan. But not if you didn't speak my language. That was a tell-tale sign that you were an outsider and a potential threat. Our brains learned this lesson a long time ago, and as my trip to Home Depot reminded me, it hasn't unlearned it yet.

We communicate with others in so many ways. In person, in the way we speak and write, through our websites, our Facebook pages, our emails, and our packaging. Just keep in mind that the human brain has been conditioned to look and listen for what is familiar and is suspicious of the sights and sounds it doesn't recognize. So whether you are an Indian programmer looking to do work in the United States, a Chinese engineer offering your services to companies in Brazil, or a hip-hop artist trying to sell records to a mainstream audience, you will be judged more by the way you sound, the way you speak, and the way you communicate, than you will by the color of your skin, who you date, or whether you have a Y chromosome.

Prove It

2011-10-12T04:35:19Z

My aunt Key was a die hard Democrat. For her, voting was a 30-second exercise that simply meant walking into the booth, pulling the lever on a straight Democratic ticket, and going home. There was no need to investigate candidates or read platforms. If there was a D after their name they were getting her vote.

She was also a devout Catholic. Never missing Sunday mass, praying the rosary every night, and earnestly accepting the rules of the Church, even the ones that relegated women to second-class citizens.

She was a nurse. Full-time, whether on-duty or off. It wasn’t her job or occupation, but a life-long vocation that gave as much to her as she gave to it. She loved her hospital, her co-workers, and most of all her patients, almost as much as they loved her.

Finally, she was Irish, and proud of it. Embodying all of the qualities of a true green mick, including the inability to cook, to make a long story short, and to say goodbye in less than 45 minutes. She could laugh louder and longer than anyone in the room and was never afraid to show it.

This was my aunt Key. It was her identity. It is who she was.

We like to think we are complex creatures, having so many dimensions and affiliations that our own identities could not possibly be summed up in four, short paragraphs. But we are wrong, because usually they can. Especially the most meaningful parts.

So here’s the important question for you. After reading what I wrote above, do you know more about my aunt Key than you do about your own bosses, employees or coworkers? Do you know more about her than you do about your most important clients and customers, members and vendors, sponsors, donors, students, or patients? Did four paragraphs about a complete stranger give you more insight into who she was than the people who send you checks or allow you to make a living?

If so, you’ve got a problem. If not, you might want to prove it. This morning, pick the 3 most important relationships in your business lives and try writing four, short paragraphs about them. About who they are. I promise it will be time well spent. At worst, you will remind yourself of what you already know. At best, you will realize what you don’t, and hopefully do something about it.

I'm Not With Them

2011-10-10T17:47:53Z

There is a huge difference between attracting someone to a cause and keeping them engaged. The attraction comes from a common interest. Caring about a specific ideal or being drawn to a particular mission. Being a loyal supporter, however, has less to do with an issue and more to do with the one’s own identity.

Do I identify with THIS group? Do they reflect who I am? Am I proud to be associated with THEM?

A cause may attract us, but it is our identity with the other supporters that will determine whether we stay. It is true of the religions we follow, the political parties we endorse, the sports teams we support, and the groups and associations we join. If there are not enough people similar to us in the room, we feel uncomfortable and leave. Even if we believe in the cause.

A perfect example of this can be seen in a video that was posted online over the weekend. An assembly of protestors gathered in Atlanta to support the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations rallying against corporate greed and social injustice. The cause generated a crowd. But as you will see, the crowd and their behavior determine who will stay.

In what can only be described as “bizarre,” the protestors established a set of rules for the attendees to ensure consensus and respect that included repeating everything a speaker would say and using hand signals instead of clapping. They come across as loons and will never establish a large, loyal following, even if they do find others who support their cause.

Loyalty comes from a sense of belonging. Make sure that the groups you form, the leaders you choose, the events you hold, and the rules you establish are attracting the people you want - because your cause or mission won’t do it alone.

Waiting For The Famine And Locusts To Arrive

2011-09-20T15:57:55Z

This has been a pretty rough month for the northeastern United States. It started innocently enough with some minor aftershocks from (of all things) an earthquake, but turned much worse with the rain and winds of Hurricane Irene, and the devastating flooding that followed soon after. The people of Pennsylvania, New York, and Vermont thought they were prepared. As it turned out, they weren’t.

It’s hard to blame someone for an anomaly. Earthquakes happen in California, not Virginia. Hurricanes are a yearly occurrence in Florida and North Carolina, but not Philadelphia and New York City. And while flash flooding and rising river waters aren’t uncommon to your average northeasterner, the levels reached last week were higher than any that have been recorded in 100 years. But after spending the past several days helping friends clean up and repair what was left of their homes and offices, I couldn’t help but wonder if we prepare for the wrong things.

If you have never seen the effects of a natural disaster, consider yourself lucky. The destruction is indescribable. You look at what remains after the winds have died down, after the waters have receded, or after the fires have been put out and you wonder if the place could ever come back. And yet it does. Slowly, but surely, all the physical pieces get rebuilt and restored. Because that is what we are prepared for. We have contractors and construction equipment and home improvement stores that help us put everything back to the way it was. Well, almost everything.

When our world stops, we forget that others continue on. While we are busy shoveling mud out of our basements, our bosses have no choice but to find some other employee who could do our work in the interim. While we are pulling up carpet and drying out files and equipment, our customers, clients and patients are turning to our competitors for the products and services they would normally get from us. That is when our relationships get tested. When the people we count on start comparing us to an alternative and seeing if the grass is really greener somewhere else. Not being prepared for that can be the most devastating thing of all.

It doesn't take a natural disaster for your most important relationships to experience what life would be like without you. They do it every day or hour your business is closed and are forced to go elsewhere. They do it when you are on vacation, off sick, or at a conference and have to deal with your backup. They do it when you don't show up, don't return their calls, and aren't available when they need you.

Keep in mind this one thing: there will always be some once-in-a-lifetime event that will cause your most important relationships to work with someone else. You won’t always know when it will happen and it may be completely out of your control. Just be prepared. Make sure that when someone needs to get along without you, the only thing they think about is when you will be back.

You Look Very Familiar To Me...

2011-09-01T11:25:45Z

I was a freshman in college when I first became fascinated by psychology and human behavior. I even remember the day it happened. I was in a Psych 101 class when Professor Brock put an image of three married couples up on the screen in the front of the room. It was weird because the pairs looked exactly alike. More like brothers and sisters than husbands and wives. When she advanced to the next slide, she showed the same couples 30-40 years earlier. The similarities were gone, meaning they didn’t look so much alike when they first got married. She asked us what happened. What would cause two people to look so similar after decades of living together?

We all had our opinions. Most thinking the transformations must have something to do with eating the same foods or living a similar lifestyle. The truth never occurred to us. That, in a very subtle and indistinct manner, they actually did resemble one another all along. In fact, it was those similarities that actually formed their initial attractions.

Even though we were stupid, 18 year-old college kids, we should have known better than to think living under the same roof with someone could alter your genetic makeup and physical appearance. Professor Brock had to point out the obvious to us. Because we are attracted to ourselves, we find anyone with features similar to ours equally attractive. The third slide presented on the screen that morning made the point even clearer when we saw pictures of people with their pets and how often they too look alike.

From the first moment we see our own reflection, our brain has a decision to make. Does it accept what it sees as its standard for beauty or does it reject it in horror? Since the latter can have some serious psychological and emotional consequences to one’s self image and self esteem, most of our brains adopt the former. That doesn’t mean we don’t spend the rest of our lives looking into mirrors wishing we could change something. But for the most part, we like what we see.

Liking ourselves is not limited to the way we look. It extends to our values and beliefs, to our heritage and culture, to our political and social views, to our interests, our associations, and our relationships. Everything that forms our identity and makes us who we are.

Just as we are drawn to the similarities we see in the faces of our spouses, partners, and pets, we are also attracted to the identities of others when they resemble our own. It’s one of the ways loyal relationships get built. We see something in others that looks familiar to us and a bond is formed. But that also means the reverse is true. When others see a part of their identity in you, they will feel more connected. Maybe you are both Italian, or grew up in the same state, or like canning tomatoes, or have the same kind of dog. Maybe those simple, subtle connections are just the tip of the identities you share. Like the married couples who started out not looking much alike. The similarities are there, and over time can become more pronounced as the differences fade away.

The point is don’t be afraid to show bits and pieces of who you are to the people who are important to your career. You never know which ones will form the connections that could last a lifetime.

Not Seeing The Forest For The Trees

2011-08-30T13:26:56Z

I lost 8 trees during Hurricane Irene this weekend. None hit my house, but a few came down on my driveway and needed to be moved right away.

Now, I have to say that finding a tree cutter after a storm is no easy task, but I lucked out and convinced 3 guys to come take a look and give me a price.

Guy #1: “$150 a tree for me to cut them up and stack the logs on your property close to where they fell. Stump removal not included. The smaller branches and cleanup are your responsibility. I can get here maybe towards the end of next week.”

Guy #2: “$100 a tree. Stump grinding, small branch and debris removal not included. We have a few jobs ahead of you, so I can’t give you an exact day when we can get here.”

Guy#3: “$350 per tree. While I’m here right now, let me cut these trees that are blocking your driveway, enough for you to get your car out. We can come back and finish the job, including the others on your property, next Thursday. I noticed you had two chimneys on your house, Mr. Kane, and see that you have firewood stacked in the back corner of your property. My price includes cutting and splitting the logs down to firewood size and we will stack them with your others. Of course, we’ll grind up the stumps and shred the branches into mulch that you can spread in some of your landscaped areas. By the way, your homeowners insurance may cover the tree removal, as well as any damage they caused to your landscaping, so here’s a written estimate that you can submit.”

Now who do you think I hired? Guy #1 and Guy #2 thought I had a tree cutting problem and offered to solve that. Guy #3 knew I had a tree cutting problem, but more urgently, a driveway problem. He knew I would have a stump problem, a debris problem, a hauling problem, and a firewood problem this winter. He also knew I would have an insurance problem without a written quote.

Don't assume when someone asks you to do something they are telling you what their real problem is. Sometimes you need to step back and determine that yourself.